Quartz has partnered with AbleTo, our mental well-being program partner, to better understand the role boundaries play in mental health.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, but we're here to help you get started.
“Setting boundaries is a balancing act,” says Giselle Alexander, LCSW, a licensed therapist and AbleTo Program Advisor. “The more we understand what works for us and the more we feel like we can assert that, the more effective we are in our lives.”
Taking small, thoughtful steps such as recognizing when you need space or expressing your needs clearly, can help you assert your needs without guilt.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries can fall into several buckets. The way we set boundaries in these areas may differ in certain contexts (work, personal). It can also vary with different groups of people (friends, family).
- Physical — personal space and body, including bodily autonomy
- Sexual — intimacy/affection, including partners, activities, and timing
- Emotional — our feelings and personal details
- Intellectual — our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas. This includes when, how, and if we share them
- Material/financial — our belongings and money
- Digital — technology and how it’s used, interactions in digital spaces, and the amount and type of content consumed
- Time — demands on our work and personal schedules. Plus, when things happen and how time is used
- Work — job duties and scope
Why setting boundaries can feel hard
Creating boundaries can be challenging due to various factors, such as low self-esteem, which may lead us to feel unworthy of prioritizing ourselves, or the belief that our needs are less important than others’. Regular breaches of boundaries can also make it difficult. Additionally, cultural and generational norms, along with family dynamics, influence our ability to assert our needs, especially if we were taught that expressing them is wrong or we fear rejection from loved ones.
What healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like
When we’re not used to setting boundaries, it can be a little hard to tell which ones are healthy and which are not.
Healthy boundaries can look like:
- Making decisions that align with our values and needs
- Saying “no” and not bowing to pressure
- Respecting other people’s boundaries, opinions, and values
- Sharing personal details that fit the situation (like hobbies or favorite music)
Unhealthy boundaries look like:
- Sacrificing your values or needs, or not saying “no” to please others
- Taking on more than you want to
- Being unable to state your boundaries (or feeling guilty when you do)
- Oversharing personal details
4 easy steps to help you define your boundaries
Define your values
To set boundaries, first identify your values. Ask yourself: What matters most? How do you spend your time? How would you like to spend it? Write down your answers to see if your current boundaries align with your priorities. AbleTo participants can use the Freewrite Journal to brainstorm.Tune into your feelings and body
Emotions and physical sensations can signal crossed boundaries. Reflect on recent interactions—what felt good and what didn’t? This will help you identify situations where changes or new boundaries may be needed.Express what you need
Be clear, honest, and respectful when setting boundaries. Avoid over-explaining, and remember: “No” is a complete sentence. You can’t control others’ reactions but can manage your own by practicing calming techniques.Give yourself time before answering requests
Don’t feel pressured to respond immediately. Instead, say, “I need to check my calendar,” giving yourself time to assess whether the request aligns with your boundaries. If you say “yes” in the moment and come to regret it, it’s okay to change your mind.
What to do when your boundaries are crossed
The reality is, boundaries get crossed, even when we’ve defined and expressed them. When that happens, calmly state that your boundary has been crossed. Reiterate your expectations and why they are important to you.
Here are a few affirmations to help you feel confident, hold your ground and cope with setbacks:
- It’s okay to want or need something from someone else
- I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need
- I can insist upon my rights and still be a good person
- There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine
- If I say “no” to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said “yes”
Boundaries can feel daunting. But setting them protects our mental health. Boundaries can help us stay on a positive path that aligns with our values. And if you need support along the way, Quartz mental well-being programs with AbleTo are a great place to find more resources for your journey.
